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I'm having spring cleaning urges, which feels... banal, I guess? Like, oh great, me and every other human suddenly feels like getting rid of all of our shit once the weather hits the 60s?

This is coupled with getting REALLY EXCITED for my Euro trip in the summer. It's pretty stupid that I agreed to go to THREE* (or FOUR**) DIFFERENT DOMIN:ATE TOUR STOPS but I'm getting a fun trip to Amsterdam and London with some fandom friends out of it!
Hopefully in regards to the "friends group trip," it won't be dramatic or lame and my energy can keep up. Lord knows I've dropped an annoying amount of money for it...

*I had already bought tickets to the DC show because I need Cam to experience the madness that is a kpop arena show, we got nosebleed seats (and it's the Nats stadium so like... pretty nosebleed-y) but I'm working on a presentation deck so he at least is less confused lol

** They're doing two shows in London and I was like PLS IT'S OK I DON'T NEED TO GO TO BOTH DAYS but my friends bought me a ticket anyway... so I'll go or I won't idk idk idk

HOWEVER, CONSEQUENTLY, I'm all "what are cute outfits for traipsing around Europe?" Which begets spending more money!
My everyday clothes are... aggressively casual lounge wear, because I work from home. The most exciting it gets is if I change into aggressively casual athleisure for walking the dog.
It's a fun daydream exercise but I am weak to impulse shopping... combined with the weird moral trappings of "cleaning out," my brain says oh! You did a good thing and now your closet has space that you can fill back up! and then I have to do the mental equivalent of slapping myself. :|

This is actually going to be a busy summer since my ass ALSO dropped too much money on Japanese Breakfast tickets in Philly (only a long weekend and I'm crashing with friends, but still) and My Chemical Romance tickets in NYC. So now I have to book a NYC hotel and flights in addition to the 2 weeks in Europe, and I'm fucking TIRED.

I say "have to" like it isn't an incredible privilege to travel, but damn, the executive function is not executive functioning...

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: lucy dacus - ankles

I'm feeling optimistic about March, which is an odd change.

We had decent (sunny, 60s) weather last week - fake spring, clearly, since it's back to 38F - but I simply cannot put the feeling back in the bottle.

I also know I'm being tricked by Big Internet Content pitching me sundresses and lemon bars and spring cleaning and nature wellness when the reality is that the trees are still bare and the produce is still sad. It's an illusion and I shouldn't be looking forward to it ANYWAY because we'll be back to constantly sweaty all too soon!

And yet. And yet!! I even caught a gnarly cold and it's just made me more antsy. Picture Squidward watching Spongebob and Patrick play outside except it's also me getting snot on the window, and then falling asleep for a 3 hour sick nap.

I'm feeling better now (still a lot of snot though?) and it's making me feel like being irresponsible with my money. Moods are fucking tricky like that...

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: miya folick - erotica

The world posted all of its 2024 in review musings/listicles/etc. and I'm having trouble summarizing. Not because so much happened, but maybe... so little?
I guess the problem is that everything pales in comparison to getting married + 2 week honeymoon in Japan in 2023.

I did do things! I went places! I saw live music and made friends and ate great food and solidified some life choices (almost certainly not having kids lol) but, eh.

I need to find more contentment in this life because it is, ultimately, a very good life!

The things I can improve require only a little effort (more books, more cooking, more crafts, refresh my Japanese) and the things I can't really improve (chronic health bullshit, global events) I've... somewhat made peace with, as much as I can. I'm trying to be kind to myself because I've been so tired lately. Unsure if fatigue is related to chronic health bullshit or a new, fun problem?

Unfortunately these things I'm jazzed about doing (see also: ADHD brain coming up with EVERY IDEA), I don't have the time or energy to actually... do... I just want to make sure I keep pulling my weight around the house. Bleurgh.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: jasmine.4.t - Skin on Skin

There is a terrible gremlin inside of me that demands perfection - who says a gifted childhood doesn't come with its own baggage - but combined with the ADHD, it's paralyzing. I'd like to start writing fiction, which is something I've not tried in decades, and I have an excellent support network of writer friends who'd be absolutely willing to help but that... makes it worse?

I know that said writer friends have been practicing their craft for, again, decades, but I know whatever I write isn't going to be good. How could it? This is my first try at an entirely different skill, I can't get a bullseye on my first throw.
But I was a talented (academic) writer growing up, literally won awards for it in undergrad. But I'm going to disappoint myself and my friends, so the terrible gremlin won't shut the fuck up.

I've been thinking about creativity lately - how to find it, how to express it, how to... hone the skill set to actually be able to execute it.

I did kind of create my costume for the Ren Faire in September, but 1. Tamara was 80%+ of the work/project management(?) behind the corset 2. The skirt came out extremely wack and I ended up going with an Amazon skirt oop 3. The blouse is also kind of wack... Sewing is really hard! It's also not creating something out of nothing, it basically hinges on the ability to read instructions and patterns and then execute, and it costs money to buy fabric and supplies :(
As for the execution, that's the skill set mentioned above. There's so much I don't know and I get frustrated about the waste when inevitably my current attempts result in wack garments. The scope of most sewing projects that aren't just like, dog bandanas, can also be super daunting....

Man, is the ultimate 30s move to have existential angst about your hobbies?

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Porridge Radio - A Hole In The Ground

I am very bad at updating! The first version of this post said "went to Charlottesville a few weekends ago" which has now turned into a few MONTHS ago (mid-March).

Well, we went to Charlottesville a few months ago for our ~one year anniversary~. Crazy!! We've been married for a year!! Charlottesville was kind of if puffer-vests-and-chinos was a whole town, but overall cute. Also, better Korean food than Richmond :| It was beautiful to just, as cliche as it sounds, live in the moment. No home projects or errands irritating the back of the mind because I literally couldn't do them.

Though now that I'm back the whole "holy shit I need to catch up on everything" strikes again, with some bonus "wtf what do I wear in warm temperatures" confusion. Somehow every year I forget how seasons work.

I've also... hm, how to put this. I've finally realized how American consumerism works? I knew, intellectually, but this is maybe the first time in a while I've really stepped back and been like "HEY WAIT A SECOND" because:

Work is stressing me out, as usual. About every other week because of a bi-weekly deadline (thanks NIH!) I'm like HOLD ONTO YER ASS and Cameron has to deal with me having no energy to do anything. Beyond that, I'm sweating my ass off walking Pepperoni in 90F weather (thanks Richmond summer and increased heat sensitivity from SNRIs!) or, like, grocery shopping at Kroger. Maybe Publix or TJs if I'm feeling fancy.

But I do get in some random social media scrolling before passing out at night, and the ADVERTISEMENTS. I'm being sold cute punky jewelry and cute punky sundresses and various other stylish goods and it's all preying on my lack of fulfillment from being crouched over my work laptop like a shrimp, in my sweatpants (or sweatshorts now, lol) 8+ hours a day.

It's selling me a life where I can do things like enjoy wandering around town, comfortable yet fashionable, unburdened by the weight of the American work week. Perhaps I have an iced coffee in hand in a cute eco-conscious tumbler. My hair looks lush, washed with a customized shampoo, and my eyelids are just the right tasteful amount of sparkly. My posture is good and my skin is clear and I am not dreading an imminent deadline.

None of this is new - much has been written about the history of marketing and advertising. Plus, I am already at a huge advantage here, I do generally surround myself with things that are aesthetically pleasing, one of the great bonuses to being Double Income No Kids and having a frankly cushy desk job.
But! I realized that specifically, this particular strain of advertising is calling to me because I yearn for freedom from being a little WFH admin gremlin...

Man, I need to go touch some grass.

Current Music: Sloppy Jane, Phoebe Bridgers - Claw Machine

Binged two different Korean BL dramas this/last week, Love for Love's Sake and Semantic Error.

I would LOVE to ramble at length about Love for Love's Sake, but other people have done a much better job explaining some of the meta. It has a lot more to say than your average rom-com, and uses an isekai/magical realism framework to explore depression and mental illness? That sounds like a big swing considering it's billed as a high school isekai BL, and the first half was like, ok this is cute and cheesy... Then the second half hit and it ended up being a lot heavier/more of a character study? Very "if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Like how Evangelion isn't really about giant robots, LFLS isn't really about dating sim BL? Another wild swing, comparing it to a beloved GOAT anime, but tbh that was the feeling I got!! If it wasn't only 8 episodes they probably could've expanded out, but who knows.

Semantic Error was just cute lmao good ol' enemies to lovers, [extremely autistic coded] compsci major vs. free-spirited design student, good shit. The actors had good chemistry ~~and good size difference huhuhu~~. Then I binged the manhwa which actually had sex (and also kind of explains how they even get to a relationship, they start as FWB lol)

THOUGH. often times when I end up binging something it's like, ok Caitlin, but why are you mainlining this? What need, emotional or mental, are you trying to meet? I mean, yes, there's still work burnout and "revenge procrastinating" late at night or whatever. But not sure why I've been specifically on a fujoshi grind rather than like... other stuff?
Because it's queer* media? Cute first loves being appealing to a married 32yo who is well past that stage of life? A lot of depictions of female characters, in media in general, are bad (especially the sexy bits) so I'm just like "lol nah gimme two boys"?

*again much to be said here about how the primary audience for BL is straight women but people have written actual doctoral theses on this so I won't get into it

Maybe it's not that deep. Maybe it's just that I've been consuming BL on and off for literally 20 years and it's comfort food for me. February kicked my fucking ass at work but I do wish I had the brainpower to do anything useful with my scant downtime besides play mobile games and skim manga or fics.

In a complete 180, listening to femme punk rock, this whole album rules:

Watch on YouTube

Current Mood: sleepy

Of course I was all optimistic in the previous entry and naturally I've had a string of low-energy days and of course I get in my head about it and think I'm slowly perishing from some internal illness.

Then of course I had a low-energy weekend that involved multiple naps and now I'm drowning in The Guilt about not accomplishing more around the house, AND drowning in work because turns out my leisurely "oh I've totally got this" pace did not account for the 5893670234 urgent requests that somehow always appear.

All of my "worst" habits get amplified when I'm stressed so like 75% of my meals are breakfast cereal, I stay up too late trying to self-soothe with WangXian fics or playing Unshrouded or random internet browsing, my zits are all super angry because I'll unconsciously nervously pick at them...

Speaking of zits, I had some routine lab work done recently and apparently my T levels are high... so that would be the stress and the PCOS feeding into each other. Love it here in my meat sack!

I've had a version of this entry percolating in my drafts for two weeks now, I'm probably burnt out but not really in a position to fix it, at least not for a few more days...

At least Cam and I are planning a little one-year anniversary(?! already?!) getaway in March. Hiking! Korean BBQ! Bagels! Now I just need to drag him into 8764207 cute vintage boutiques and it's the perfect vacation.

trying to push through it with a silly very Pet Shop Boys-y pop song yay

Watch on YouTube

Current Mood: stressed

(subject taken from a kitschy outdoor sign my mom (the queen of seasonal decor) has had for as long as I can remember)

For someone who's lived in temperate zones her entire life, I sure forget how brutal winter can be. Maybe it's because the vast majority of that time has been spent in "the South" so our winters don't TEND to be as bad, but this last week has been below freezing and... my fingers hurt. My nose is dripping constantly. I can't adequately air out my house after cooking fish. I have to sleep under three blankets but my dumb body gets so sweaty that I wake up smelly and dehydrated. Walking Pepperoni is even more of an ordeal than usual. It sucks, and then we'll get half a month of spring, and then I'll be back to being overheated and even sweatier. Human existence on a dying planet!

Other than the general ennui of permafrost, I feel relatively on top of things, which is... a very foreign experience for me. There are always nagging little tasks and errands, and of course work is work, but nothing big with a looming deadline. So I'm mostly free to just do whatever, and I don't think I've really felt that way since, I don't know, summers during college? After college, any time I spent doing nothing was accompanied by guilt about not working on job hunting, apartment hunting, house hunting, planning our wedding or honeymoon, etc.

(I love my partner but inevitably it seems like a bunch of these sort of planning tasks fall to me... we've talked about it but honestly he has some of his own shit to sort out. Trying to get that boy to therapyyyyy)

I don't think I'll ever not be treading water to some extent - there is too much static in my head - but fucking off and binging the entirety of MDZS (which, WOW, a romance for the ages) and not feeling guilty about it is huge for me. I'm sniffing out all the nooks and crannies of my brain that the ADHD guilt has seeped into, and trying to air it out to make space for literally anything else.

Maybe I'll actually have the brain capacity to pursue a hobby or skill? Let's not get ahead of ourselves...

what on earth am i doing. i don't remember how to write journal entries?

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caitlin!

April 2025

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Page Summary

if it's the thought that counts, let's think it through
i can feel the softness, heavenly kiss
oops first entry of 2025
hungry for, hungry for, hungry for
my heart is like a claw machine, its only function is to reach
walked myself like a dog without a leash
what goes up must go down
closed for the season! reason: freezin'
test entry!

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